Become an Ambassador Of Love

I went to confession yesterday. Apparently, I was not the only one who felt a need for a little soul scrubbing. In fact, the room was packed and there was a line down the hall. It was so full that the solo priest hearing confessions may have asked us to say our Act of Contrition before entering. I won't go into how I feel about that.

My desire to lay all my garbage at the foot of the cross to be lifted up in mercy initially had nothing to do with the events that had transpired at the end of the week. However, as I prayed about what I was truly seeking freedom from through the sacrament, I realized something. While it may not have been the cause for me to feel ill at ease with the health of my soul, it was certainly contributing to my unease. The "it" my friends was not the actual decision by the Supreme Court to recognize same-sex marriage. At this stage of our culture, I already assumed that to be a foregone conclusion. The "it" that had me so bothered internally had to do with our own reactions to this development. 

So many of those whom I look to for direction and inspiration in faith and morals seemed to have lost their center. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. There was fear. There was resignation. There was excessive melodrama. There was a whole lot of spiraling forward into a bleak future. 

Don't get me wrong. I understand. I do. Our understanding of the world was shaken...or was it? Don't we as Christians still believe the same thing? Isn't our witness needed as much today as it was yesterday? Is all our wailing and toddler-sized tantrum throwing giving witness to our firm faith and confidence that Jesus has already overcome the world? I'd answer that with a GIANT no.

How do we move forward in faith? This question was nagging on my heart as I sat waiting to make my confession. What is it Christ is calling ME to do...or not do? I want to write and speak volumes because I don't want to remain silent. Yet, is that what God is calling me to do? Would all my speaking and writing bring one heart closer to Him? What about all those friends and family I love who are rejoicing with the change of the law in the land? How would my words help them know my love and God's love amid my conviction that as humans we cannot simply legislate natural law away?

You know what I discovered? I have NO idea. That's what. I don't know what the right thing to say is that both affirms the dignity of my LGBT friends and family and acknowledges the pain and suffering they have endured while also sharing what I believe to be God's design for love, life, and humanity. I don't. I just don't. I just got on my knees and threw up my hands and prayed. 

Make me an instrument of your peace, of your love, of your truth. 

May those who see me know You...know Your love, know Your mercy, know Your goodness. 

Why? I am an ambassador of Christ. I am NOT Christ. My job is to bring people to Him, and I will not do that through lectures and tantrums. I will not do that by turning away from those I disagree with or getting into a battle of Facebook statuses and profile pictures. The only way I can be an ambassador of Christ is to be a stranger in a strange land willing to open my heart and walk alongside the people He sends my way, friend and stranger alike.

I got home to read a few more Facebook updates, and this time, I was encouraged - so very encouraged. The first was from the Archdiocese of Denver and their response. 

We here at the Denver Catholic figure that we have two options for how to respond going foward:

Go on the defensive. We've clearly lost the culture war, but we can try to convince the public that our view is the correct one.

Realize that we don't live in a Christian culture, and therefore must engage it as missionaries.

Option one is equivalent to declaring ourselves victims. Option two is to accept the challenge of living as authentic followers of Jesus Christ in a world that has largely forgotten Him.

Jesus Christ is real. We Christians have experienced the sweetness of a personal relationship with Him. Our mission is not to punish or coerce those who have not experienced this—instead, we must invite them into relationship. What better way to do this than to show the joy of living the Catholic faith?

The other was from Fr. Newman of St. Mary's parish in Greenville, South Carolina:

Christians must let go of nostalgia for our faded Christian civilization in order to build it again. If we can see the collapse of cultural Christianity as a great evangelical opportunity, then with joy and love we can proclaim Jesus Christ crucified and risen to the millions of people who now have only debonair nihilism to help them understand the purpose and meaning of their lives.

This was my answer to prayer. This made me feel less guilty about not being infuriated. (Yeah, I felt guilty about not losing it because maybe it meant that I wasn't devoted enough to the law of God.) This gave me...HOPE. And here the Spirit soars. Hope. Joy. Love - authentic love. As we move forward from this monumental day (and it is monumental in our cultural understanding of the nature of man, woman, and humanity), this is the answer. 

Share the joy and hope of Christ. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Love and serve your neighbor in humility.

You know that among the Gentiles those whom they recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them. But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all. For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45

Remember that we are not victims, and fear of the future is not from God.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

We are missionaries and ambassadors of the Most High. Claim it in love, and remember that love comes with a cross.

For the love of Christ urges us on, because we are convinced that one has died for all; therefore all have died. And he died for all, so that those who live might live no longer for themselves, but for him who died and was raised for them...So we are ambassadors for Christ, since God is making his appeal through us; we entreat you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15, 20

Always remember that our actions speak far louder than our words.

As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:12-17

A friend shared this quote today, and it summed up the future for me perfectly.

"Before you speak to me about your religion, first show it to me in how you treat other people; before you tell me how much you love your God, show me in how much you love all His children; before you preach to me of your passion for your faith, teach me about it through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I'm not as interested in what you have to tell or sell as in how you choose to live and give." - Cory Booker

The fact is that everything has changed, and nothing has changed all at once. No matter the hurricane around us, we stand firm in He who even the seas obey. No matter the prevailing sentiments of the day, we stand firm in our understanding of who we are designed to be by He who made us. No matter what is thrown at us, we must remain constant in our love for our neighbor. Jesus thirsts for them as He thirsts for us. Let us love first so that we can lead others to Christ. It is Jesus that changes hearts, not us, after all. Let's be sure we are letting Him direct ours and conform it to His. 

Want to know a secret? This is my prayer at every confession and before receiving the Eucharist. Take my heart, Lord, and conform it to Yours. It belongs to You. Lead me and transform me, all I have is Yours. Help me to see everyone as You do. Help me to thirst for them as You do, and to meet all with Love, as You do.

Another secret? I fail miserably, but He dusts me off so I can try again. I've got a feeling there will be a lot of scraped knees as we move forward in this new reality. We will stumble. We will fall. We will give into our temptations to preach and lecture and debate and fear. I know I will. The beautiful thing is that we are not alone in this, so we can remind one another to get up and walk in love and peace and joy instead. 

Go. Preach the Gospel. Serve your neighbor. Let our love be sincere and let us overcome hatred with goodness. Love 'em like Jesus - to the cross and back again...

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5 Realities of an Introverted Wife & Mother

Yes, I am an introvert. No, if you meet me you probably don't know that because I border on some rather extroverted qualities. I am not typically anti-social after my morning coffee, and I like a good party (even more after a glass of wine). The fact remains, which I barely knew myself, that I am an introvert. 

Being married to a greater introvert, my own inclinations sometimes become hidden by his need for quiet and solitary time. As I was recently reflecting on life as we currently know it, a few big old light bulbs went off in my head answering some age old questions and began to dissipate some guilt about differences in myself since marriage...and more specifically having children. Life is just different now, and here are some of those realities.

1) When I was single, I was far more social. I often worked 50-70 hour weeks, hung out with friends, went to concerts/parties/events...did more out of the house. That was then, this is now. I have finally realized that when I was single and living alone, I always had the time to recharge because I came home to silence and solitude. Now, I am lucky if I get a few hours of silence while I sleep. The thought of leaving home after returning from work or the day's activities is akin to dread. It isn't that I don't cherish the friends I have, it is simply that I have no energy or attention left to give them.

2) Marriage is my vocation, and the resulting family an extension of it. While I was single, I may have fully committed to not fall away from all my friendships upon marriage. I admit now that I couldn't fully appreciate the time it takes to not just maintain, but truly attend to your marriage and family...or the desire to do so at the detriment of other relationships. Again, this is not to say I do not value friendships. I do, and they are an essential part of my life and component of living out my vocation still. What I have realized, though, is that being an introvert causes me to have to make more tough choices about where I will spend my time and energy, and that sometimes unless I am forced to do so, I will choose my home instead of out in the world. 

3) 'Social Media can be my best friend...and my worst enemy. I absolutely love that I can stay in touch with my friends through social media, be it Facebook or Instagram. I feel connected to them without feeling exhausted by physically trying to meet up with all of them. Therein lies the shadow side. Feeling so connected via social media can make it less of a priority for me to attempt to get together in person with a large number of friends, and that is a failing. 

4) Some friends just won't understand. The sad reality is that when I have to make the tough choices of where I spend my time and energy, sometimes what I am able to offer now is not going to be enough for someone else. I am still learning to live with that and not drown myself in guilt for being a terrible friend. Some guilt is okay - my needs do sometimes outweigh theirs, and yes, it can be selfish. There will be some friends who were once inseparable from me who now need more than I can give. Just as I need to take care of myself and my spirit by pulling back, they have to make their choices too. I do not begrudge those friends at all. I miss them, but I do not begrudge them. 

5) The friends who get it are your "tribe." You know who they are. They are the ones you can go weeks without talking to and then pick up where you left off like it was just yesterday. They are the ones who know to text before they call when it might be naptime or bedtime because ain't nobody got time for friends who wake the kids without an emergency. They are the ones who know which days are the long days and offer to help, but only if you want them to because they get that after a long day, maybe you don't want to see their faces no matter how beautiful they are. They know that your phone calls will be interrupted by mama-Tourettes, that days you work are long and hard, that toddlers are exhausting, that you barely talk to your husband because you are both dog tired even though you have cats. They know, that for your good, they sometimes just have to demand you leave your house, even if it is in your pajamas (though your husband would object to that). They know that your neglect isn't a neon sign that you don't love them anymore, just a sign that you might have your head underwater with the rest of life...and sometimes they bring a lifeboat. They offer you countless do-overs and make you want to try a lot harder at being a more attentive friend.

While this is my reality for now, I realize that I cannot use it as an excuse to burrow away until such time that I'm not under constant bombardment by people who want my attention at home and work. We will be on our way to the heavenly kingdom if we were to wait for that! Having had this revelation, though, gives me permission to make the tough choices without as much guilt and with some context. I don't remember my parents being out and about a lot, though I may have wished them to go out more. It is okay for me to not compare my social life as a married woman with children to my social life as a single person.

In our own marriage, we know it is important to make time for friends and that strong friendships will help us in our marriage and in parenting. We understand marriage to be a sacrament of service, both to each other and to the world. It is important for us to find a way to engage with our friends more, and to devote ourselves to our community. In doing so, understanding our needs and how they have changed will help us to give of ourselves without draining ourselves to a point where we have nothing to give...or to be so daunted by the thought of giving more that we simply hide under the covers.

Know thyself, they say. So it is that I now understand how living alone in my single years had masked my introverted nature in a way that marriage and family sorely exposes it. For what seems like a drastic change in my attentiveness, my sincerest apologies, friends. I do hope you will choose to stay part of my tribe.

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7QT: On Valentines, Saints, Apostles, Marriage & Love

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From Catholic Memes

While I don't quite fully comprehend the buzz around these "Hey Girl" memes, I thought this one was adorable!

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In our home and parish (Ss. Cyril & Methodius), today is the feast of Ss. Cyril & Methodius, the apostles to the Slavic people. You can read more about them here. Of note: they were proponents of celebrating the liturgy in the native tongue to make it accessible to the faithful. Sound like a familiar debate? It's been around since at least the 800s. We should resolve that any day now.

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Doesn't quite make you think of candy & roses, does it?

As for St. Valentine? There are mostly legends as to who the namesake of today's holiday was. How we got to candy hearts, chocolate and sexy gifts is a history to be written by some sociologist out there I'm sure. It's safe to say that it wasn't that way from the beginning. The root of every legend surrounding St. Valentine is his willingness to sacrifice his life for Christ - one specific legend holds that he was beheaded. So perhaps instead of chocolate hearts and racy lingerie (while they have their place), this day could be spent making small sacrifices for one another out of love? Admittedly, it is a very new (read: today) thought as I was searching for ways to tie in the actual "saint" part of the holiday with its celebration for the kids. Rest easy - there won't be any beheadings. For now.

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In honor of the dueling saints:

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This week was National Marriage Week. I had written a new post about "affair-proof" marriages and highlighted an old one on ways to honor your husband. On Wednesday, the Hubs' cousin sent us an email showing this:

Apparently my little post was popping up third on a Google search she was doing. Crazy! Not at all viral, but crazy to see that pop up on a Google search for National Marriage Week for sure. 

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My last 1000 words for today...

A little ditty about two American kids growin' up in the heartland...

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

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On Affair-Proof Marriages and Unicorns

It is National Marriage Week, so no time like the present to wax philosophical on ye olde "institution" of marriage, right?

Photo by Dennis Slagle

I saw the term "affair-proof marriage" in an article - more precisely how to have one - and immediately my spidey sense was tingling. Something just wasn't sitting right with me. To set the stage, know that I believe all the good stuff about marriage. Fundamentally, I believe marriage is from God. Thus, I believe marriage to be an unbreakable bond between a man and a woman that is cemented by God. I believe that entering into marriage is a lifetime commitment. Why then, was this article making me so uneasy?

I think the core of the answer is in its tone - it seemed too much like an infomercial for the latest weight loss supplement or panacea for all that ails marriage in this day and age. It simply sounded too good to be true. As I turned the phrase over and over in my mind, I realized the other thing that bothered me about this. Pride. 

At the end of the day, while fairy tales and happily ever afters are nice, I don't believe any marriage is affair-proof. Please don't get me wrong - I do believe there are marriages that stand the test of time. I certainly know and believe monogamous relationships are possible. I also know we are fallen and to say "that will never happen to me" is like waving a red flag in front of a bullish devil. 

The other thing that really struck me as I continued to reflect on why the phrase was like a thorn in my side is that I realized I don't want to build an "affair-proof marriage" - why build my marriage with only an infidelity in mind?  I want a strong, Godly marriage. Part of that is to guard my heart against infidelity, sure, but it is so much more than that! 

Marriage is a commitment to work. There are no happily ever afters that simply fall into our laps. In a fallen world, to tend a relationship that is to mirror God's love for the world takes a tremendous amount of work - work on ourselves and work on our expectations.

Photo by Bob Zajko

Marriage is a commitment to see through the eyes of Christ. Every day we have an opportunity to look at our spouse through the eyes of Love, seeing in him/her the image of God, or we have the opportunity to pick at their weaknesses. In marriage, we make a commitment to see our spouse always at their best.

Marriage is meant to build up the other, not ourselves. Going along with the last point, in the vocation of marriage, the purpose is to help your spouse attain heaven, not to get something from them. They do not complete us, God does. We help them to get back home.

Marriage is not about happiness. If we are entering into marriage with the intent that the other person will finally make us happy, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. There is nowhere in our vows where we promise to make the other happy. Love, honor, obey, commit through life's ups & downs, yes. Is there happiness that will come from that? Absolutely! It is something that flows from the grace of the sacrament as opposed to something that is the responsibility of our spouse, however. 

Marriage is not about sex. Well, maybe it is, but it is not only about sex. Waiting to have sex until marriage, you aren't quite sure what you're going to get yourself into. Here's the thing - while society tells us to test drive the car before we buy it (yes, I have actually been told those exact words), that again creates an expectation that is bound to disappoint. Not every act of love will end in fireworks. Age comes, illnesses come, babies come. What then? If it's about going from zero to sixty in record time, what happens when the gears get a little rusty? Sure, a healthy sex life (however you define that) is critical to a marriage - be fruitful and multiply after all - but that life comes from communication, prayer, and emotional intimacy. It comes from surrender, not from a quick or constant high, and that you cannot test drive. If the gears do fail, having a rich emotional and spiritual bond provides an equally satisfying intimacy.

Photo by Dennis Slagle

In marriage, three become one. I know, two become one flesh, but not without God present. It's our own little Trinitarian mystery. God constantly invites us into His life of grace, and through marriage, He makes Himself uniquely part of this new union. I've said this many-a-time, and while I'm sure to get a few eggs or tomatoes thrown at me, I'm going to say it again. Marriages that do not make room for God are setting themselves up for failure. Period. Marriage is not a man-made contract - it's not just a partnership. If we try to live in one with that mindset, we will falter. There is no way my little selfish being could surrender myself without divine help. No way. 

Photo by Dennis Slagle

Marriage is meant to serve. Our marriage is not about us. Marriage is a sacrament of service - to each other, but more importantly, to the world. In marriage, we reflect and share God's love for the world. We serve as a reminder of the life-giving love our God has for us. We serve as a witness to the depth of sacrifice Christ endured so we might have eternal life. Sure, our quaint little home and family are beautiful in and of themselves. However, their deepest meaning comes from being shared and poured out for the world, pointing to the hope of heaven and the eternal love of the Father. 

Marriage is about forgiveness. One of the temptations as you approach marriage is to think yours will be perfect. The truth is that the only perfect marriage is the imperfect one. If you enter in thinking that neither of you will make mistakes, even really big doozies, you are heading for heartbreak. We are fallen. We will fail. This is not a reason for gloom, though, and not the nail in the coffin of marriage. Sans an abusive relationship, marriage takes forgiveness - a heaping helping of forgiveness - when those mistakes, missteps, and injuries occur, even sometimes ones of infidelity. Sometimes, you have to press the restart button and begin anew to discover why you married each other. Sometimes it's just a matter of cleaning out the cobwebs. Big or small, humility and forgiveness have to enter in or resentment and detachment will.

Marriage will leave scars. In a world obsessed with perfection, scars sound completely undesirable. Scars are not always a bad thing. In fact, scars often have an innate beauty of their own - I know mine do. When I see my scars left from pregnancy and childbirth, I no longer see "stretch-marks" or "blemishes" - I see the beautiful lives of my two children. Scars can signify healing. They can signify battles fought and won. They signify change. They signify sacrifice.  If our marriages are polishing us into saints, into the likeness of Christ, we had better come out with some scars. He did, after all. 

Photo by Dennis Slagle

Lest this all seems rather dull and uninviting, remember the fruit of all of this - marriage is fun! It is a lifelong slumber party with your best friend, where sometimes your best friend snores, and sometimes you don't sleep because of little people crashing your party. It is a lifetime of adventures, of writing stories together, of redemption, of healing, and of grace outpoured. It is dancing your life together in a divine romance, where sometimes you step on each other's feet, but you end the song with a flourished step and dip to everyone's amazement.

Perhaps, in the end, it's not so much about "affair-proofing" our marriages like we waterproof our shoes. Instead, maybe it is rediscovering the true nature of marriage and recommitting ourselves to living as Godly spouses. We know that at any turn temptation can strike without reason or explanation. We know that we can fall prey to those temptations. It's not about living in fear of them, though, but realizing that with the power of Christ, we can jump those hurdles if we work at it. It is knowing that with a little work and a lot of surrender, bliss awaits us. 

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7QT: On the Links

No, I haven't been golfing. After a near miss with a neighbor's window, my golf lessons were cancelled years ago. Instead, I offer you a few links to some posts mixed up with some other quick thoughts brought to you courtesy of Jennifer's Seven Quick Takes link up at Conversion Diary.

1) Have you seen the one about the mom who is raising sons who don't get to be FB friends with girls who post sultry FB selifes? You can read the original here, and then a boatlaod of response-posts here. Thoughts? I have several, but that would make this rather non-quick takes.

2) Books? Love. Iowa Hawkeyes? Love. Put them together, get this little collection that demonstrates how art and literature were sometimes combined in ways that didn't always first meet the eye. Flip book lovers will understand and appreciate this, I think!

3) Have you seen Pope Francis' call for a day of prayer and fasting for peace (especially in Syria) tomorrow, September 7? I know it is blowing up my FB and Twitter feeds, as I hope it is yours. You can read the whole Angelus message here. I tried to select an excerpt, but well, you know those texts where you're supposed to highlight parts and then you look back and the whole thing was so good that the entire book is highlighted? Yeah, Pope Francis. This should probably have been first, but well, that's the way the cookie crumbles at the Casa sometimes.

4) Speaking of Pope Francis, THIS. He is back on the phone..again and again. Have I mentioned how much I love Pope Francis? Oh, and by the way, he also makes me a little uncomfortable because he is pretty demanding that we live by the Gospel and is quite public about how to do that in his own demonstration. What I don't love (not about him)? The peeps who are still playing the comparison game. I loved Papa Benedetto too. In a completely different way, because he is a completely different man who was entrusted with the keys of Peter for an entirely different reason. So, stop with the "this guy is so much better" or "that guy was better" because the Holy Spirit is using them both to form us into a healthier body of Christ, to be his hands and feet working by His lead. That is all.

5) September is a busy month for us. Not only is it birthday central with my birthday and my mother in law's birthday, it is also our anniversary, and with the Hubs being a teacher, back to school crazy schedule days. In reflecting on this our anniversary month, as we top off our fourth year (when did that happen?), I thought I'd check on what it was I vowed to do again as a wife. Here's my reflection on how we can better honor our husbands.

6) September is also one of our major fundraisers at work. Mary's Mantle holds its annual $30,000 in 30 Days campaign this month each year. The goal is to get 1000 people to pledge $30. You can read more about the work and the campaign here.

7) Final thought. Casa McCormick is under the weather and short on sleep this week. It all began with a night time freak out by the Li'l G. I've been reflecting on whether I should be sharing so candidly her not finer moments. She doesn't get a chance to tell her side of the story or form her own identity without my fingers typing away, but I have always maintained that even in (sometimes especially through) those moments I am the one who learns more. It isn't that I learn how to be a better parent, though that is part of the effect. It is that I learn so much more about God. For instance, this little meltdown at 10:30/11ish at night was leaving her inconsolable. Usually she is a daddy's girl all the way. This night, it was all about "mama, hold you!!" When she had calmed down an hour later, she wasn't really clear on why she was so upset. The next day, she was more clear.

Apparently, she was still thinking about the moment after lunch when she had thrown her plate on the floor, and mommy had told her we were done with lunch and she was going straight to bed because we do not throw plates on the floor. To be honest, I had forgotten about that almost immediately after putting her down for a nap. She had brought it up later in the evening as to why she couldn't go play outside (I had forgotten all about it). At 11 o'clock at night, it still plagued her to the point of hysterics. I truly, truly had forgotten all about it, and thinking back on the moment, didn't even yell or punish her beyond saying she needed to go straight to bed. Isn't that what we do with our sins all the time? God tells us they are forgotten, but we are certain we cannot take Him at His word. We constantly remind Him how bad we were...how bad we are. Even when he assures us He has forgotten. Just in the same way, I assured my daughter that I had not only forgiven her, but had forgotten long before and she need not keep worrying about it or bringing it up. God reminds us the same thing, if only we would listen.

And that my friends is this Friday's adventure on the links. For sticking with me, please accept this parting gift for your viewing pleasure.

We've been doing Classical Lunch Hour.
These are their classical faces.

Here's hoping you and yours have the best of weekends! Go on over to Jennifer's newly redesigned space and read up on the rest of the quick takes.

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17 Ways to Honor Your Husband

I, take you, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

The Hubbers and I are approaching our fourth wedding anniversary. I know, we are just babies at this whole marriage thing, but my first reaction was, "have we really been married almost four years already?" I guess it's a good thing that it feels like we were just married yesterday. At the same time, I also feel like we have been married forever, not in that the days drag on, but that it feels like we have known and loved each other for far longer. All in all, we have been together almost seven years. We have had our share of ups and downs in this short time and life has kept us busily on our toes. 

As our anniversary approaches, our wedding vows came to mind. If you have seen the movie Fireproof, you may remember a line where Kirk Cameron roughly shoves his wife and demands she honor him. While I'm sure it was meant to provide a dramatic moment, the overacting of it all just gave the both of us the giggles. When we approached that part of our vows a few months later, I had to stifle the giggles. Some people thought I wasn't taking the vows seriously, but it was a shared moment both of us understood. So no tears, just the giggles.

The moment still sticks with me though, perhaps because I am not decidedly intentional about honoring my husband. I don't dishonor him by any means, I just don't think on a daily basis, "how can I honor my husband?" While reflecting on our relationship, and how I can do better as wife, here were some things  that came to mind about how we can honor our husbands as they cherish us. (These are in no particular order.)

1) Keep the right priority of relationship. God, husband, children. To honor our husbands we have to honor our covenantal relationships. Our first covenant is with God as his daughter. Our second is with our husband as his wife. Our children are a gift, but not we do not share a covenant with them in the same way as God and spouse. While we have to sometimes put aside other priorities to raise them and enjoy our families, we must always keep the order clear. Make time for God. Make time for your husband - he is the one God has miraculously joined you with to create one flesh. Doing this will also make you a better mother and show your children how to stay in right relationship with others. Win win win!

2) Make his dreams your dreams. Be his biggest cheerleader in the truest sense. Encourage him to discern the dreams God has placed in his heart. Support him as he makes his way toward them. Be the great woman behind the great man.

3) Extend grace and unconditional love when you least feel like it. No doubt there are times you will be upset with him. Surprise him by extending grace and loving him unconditionally. When you are upset, perform a random act of love for him, whether it is making his favorite meal, letting him watch what he wants on television, giving him an evening off with his friends, whatever it may be. Show him grace. Remind him that while you are mad, he never has to earn your love, and you will never withhold it.

4) Remember he has feelings too, and ask questions. Stereotypes are often based in truth. I think there is a lot of truth to the stereotype that men hate talking about feelings. It just isn't in their toolbox, be it socialization or genetics. Learn to recognize his nonverbal cues. Don't be afraid to ask that dreaded "how are you feeling" question from time to time - it gives him permission to open up, to not have to be silently strong, to let light shine into the dark corners of his heart and mind. We ladies know what that darkness can do when we get stuck in our heads, so remember to extend your husband the chance to get out from there too. Provide the opening, but by all means don't force the issue either.

5) Speak well of him always. I know this can be hard when he has done whatever it is that he does to get under your skin for the millionth time. Speak well of him first and foremost. I know it is tempting to vent from time to time, so while you may have a close confidant or two, make darn sure they know how wonderful he is first and last. Hallie just wrote a great post recently about some fatal mistakes we make as wives online - take a read for some more great advice.

6) See him as God does and tell him about it. We know too well what it is to be our own worst critic. Unless you have married a megalomaniac (in which case proceed to counseling and do not pass go), he is his worst critic too. He knows intimately all his failings (real or imagined) inside and out far better than you. God has joined you with him to show him who he is under the light of Christ's redemption and mercy and in the vision of God. Tell him often.

7) Give in from time to time. I know - we all love to win a good fight or stand our ground. Every now and then, what does it matter to give in on the trivial things? Sure, honey, you can watch Sharknado even though I think it is pure crap. I will watch it with you because I enjoy watching you enjoy the movie more than I hate watching it. (No dear, that doesn't mean we are watching that tonight.)

8) Be realistic in your expectations, but hold him accountable. Be it fairy tales, sappy romcoms or our own lofty ideals, sometimes we get a picture in our head of what our husbands should be doing or how our marriages should look and then feel we fall short. Tidy up those expectations based on God's truth and healthy expectations based on your situation. Don't lower your expectations on the essentials - you're his partner in the race to heaven, so be sure he is on his way to victory.

9) Pray for him. That whole getting to heaven business is hard work. Oh, that's right, we don't work our way there. Be your husband's prayer warrior. Pray for him to deepen his love and knowledge of Christ. Pray that he experiences healing in his brokenness and strength to conquer his sins. Pray that he is able to be a faithful husband and father. Pray that the Holy Spirit may fill him with joy. Pray, pray, pray.

10) Be kind to his family and friends. No, you don't have to like them. I am blessed that my husband's family has truly become my family. There are misunderstandings from time to time because well, that is humanity, but I have never felt like an outsider. I know that isn't always the case. Regardless of how you are treated, though, treat his family and friends with kindness and never put him in a situation where he has to choose. Let him know if there is hurt or unkindness toward you, but never retaliate or make ultimatums. If he is wise, he will have already seen it and will be your champion where they are concerned.

11) Let go of entitlement. Your husband should love and cherish you, but let go of the notion that your husband owes you something. Regardless of your history and how much you have done for him, let go of that mindset. Remember that all you do for him, you do for Christ, and there is nothing you do that is worth more than His sacrifice on the cross. 

12) Withhold nothing - make him your best friend, confidante and lover. In other words, don't keep secrets. The wise stripper on The Office said it best - "secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone." I know, I made it weird by quoting a fictional stripper - sorry. It is a salient point nonetheless. The minute you begin to keep secrets, the minute someone else out there knows more about your heart than he does, the devil starts to dance. There is no closer relationship on earth than husband and wife becoming one flesh. Keep that close at mind always. Even if you think he will be angry, you can work past that. Think of how angry he may be if he knows you kept something from him, shared something intimate with someone else or lied. Keep no secrets.

13) Seek his opinion. No, your husband may not be the best decorator or fashion consultant, he may not know the most about the decision you are trying to make, but you are on this journey together. Honor him by seeking his opinions, and actually listening to them. Even if in the end you decide that may not be the right course, it is important for him to know that you value his thoughts and respect his knowledge and ideas. So what if the living room stays a light neutral tan color? You can live with that.

14) Let him make mistakes. You're not perfect, and neither is he. Let him off the hook. When he makes a mistake as I'm sure will happen on occasion, let him know you don't love or respect him any less. Don't be that wife. You know, the one "they" call the ball and chain, the one who emasculates her husband if he screws up from time to time. Think golden rule. Think love. Think forgiveness. Then do it.

15) Catch him doing something right. "Help people reach their full potential. - catch them doing something right." ~ Kenneth Blanchard ~ This is true of your husband as well. It can become a habit to only see the blemishes and then get stuck on them. Remember why you married him - keep in mind the things that were (and still are) the wonderful reasons you knew he would be your partner-in-crime for life. Praise him for it, and for all the ways in which he strengthens your family, eases your burden, loves you long time, etc etc etc. Tell him he is a great husband, a great father, a great provider (this one is muy importante for the hubs to be reminded, even if it isn't important in your eyes). In this, though, be sure to...

16) Learn his love language and speak it fluently and often. I think the biggest mistake I make is to love everyone else by how I think they want or ought to be loved. Couples will often ask us for reading suggestions as they prepare for marriage (at four years, we are the experts, right?). I always include Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages. The Hubs and I haven't done this one as a married couple, so on this one, please do as I say and not as I do. Learn his language, so you can become fluent. If you are exhausting yourself honoring and loving him in a way he doesn't understand, you just end up exhausted and frustrated. Speak his love language and watch the beauty unfold with a lot less effort. If you want to go the route of an online "quiz," he can find his love language here. (If you want to find out yours, you can take the quiz too over here. Thanks, Hallie for that link!) And speaking of love...

17) Be open to showing him some lovin' (wink wink). There's a reason Blessed John Paul II emphasized that the marital act wasn't just for babymakin' - the unitive property can be healing, restorative and even science has shown us it strengthens the bond between partners. I know as parents (especially of young ones), it isn't always the first thing on our minds, but be intentional and don't be afraid to surprise him and initiate. I know, it's not a problem for all you ladies, but for those who are a little more on the timid side, there is not one thing wrong with making your husband feel desirable and surrendering yourself completely. 

These are obviously not the only ways out there to honor our husbands. In fact, I began this post as a "5 ways" post, but then it grew to 10, and then 15, then 16 and then I had one more convict my heart, and now I've stopped thinking about it so you won't have a novel to read. You can thank me later. You can also share your thoughts in the combox - that would be ever so helpful as I make a commitment to being more intentional about honoring my husband. I do ask that you not take any helpful hints from him, however, if he should approach you with scathingly brilliant ideas. 

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The Isolation of Self-Imposed Martyrdom

It's not well known that there are more martyrs being made in the current day than in generations before us, though with the current situation in the Middle East it may be more easy to believe. No question it is a grand and glorious thing to sacrifice one's life for Christ, but what of the self-imposed martyrdom exhibited by some? You know the ones I mean. (Myself!)

Mary magnifying the Lord, not sighing
upon her fate presumably.

We (read:I) are the ones that, upon learning that the Hubbers will be gone two nights one week and then a couple more days the next week, acquiesce to his request to go out with a friend, all the while thinking "that's nice that you get to go out whenever you want." You roll your eyes to heaven, sighing a saintly martyr's sigh, and say, "of course you can go, dear" though you secretly want to say "what??". Never mind the infinite demands he makes that you take time to see your friends, even if they are sometimes last minute, and well, we know how hard it is to line anything up with moms last minute, right? Nevertheless, he demands you go, but you make your excuses. You couldn't possibly find anyone to go with - it's too last minute. You're too tired. There is too much to do at home - you couldn't possibly leave. You feel guilty for leaving the kids with the husband who has worked hard all day/week and probably just wants to unwind (because you are a mindreader and know that this is what he is really thinking even if he did tell you to go. He couldn't possibly have missed time with the kids and be looking forward to it, could he?). These are the games the devil plays.

This self-imposed martyrdom leaves us isolated. We allow our friendships to be put on a back burner, losing many of them in the process, and rightly so. We are not being friends. We start to talk in terms of "when the kids are older" or "when the kids go to school" (though the homeschooling mom doesn't get that chance). We put off our relationships, our spiritual growth, our dreams and our passions because our first responsibility is our family.

While it is true that our primary vocation is as wife and mother if that is what the Lord has called us to, we are still women called into relationship with one another. We do not thrive in isolation. Not in isolation of each other, not in isolation of God. Our husbands know this, even if we are introverts. They encourage us, but we take up that martyr's banner and use our family as our crutch to avoid extending ourselves to one another. We are so often overextended at home, we can't believe that adding more relationship to the mix will be life giving, especially if we are introverts. Yet, that isolation of the self-imposed martyr is the furthest away from glorifying God. We make an idol of ourselves and our importance to our family. We deprive ourselves of the beauty that exists in banding together with others who might be able to provide us some comfort or solidarity as fellow women, wives and mothers. We, as a result, end up not being of helpful to anyone, family or God.

Perhaps it is time to put down the banner of a false, self-imposed martyrdom (because while parenting involves a whole heaping load of self-denial and surrender, parenthood does not equal martyrdom really, and it is a bit of an insult to the real martyrs). It is time to ask for what we need instead of glancing toward heaven saying "see what I mean?" regarding our well meaning and loving husbands. We cannot read their minds, so next time they offer to take the kids and send you out, by all means confirm that they mean what they say, but go! And if there is something you (read:I) want to do, by all means, ask. He does, and so should you. 

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